Beberapa minggu ini aku sepertinya merasa lebih anxious daripada sebelumnya.
Aku mempunyai begitu banyak kecemasan, yang pada akhirnya aku seperti tidak mengenali diriku dan juga, tak tahu apa yang kuinginkan.
Inikah quarter life crisis yang dibicarakan orang-orang?
Aku terus merasa iri, dan kasihan pada diriku. Mengapa aku tidak bisa mencapai apa yang orang lain capai.
Career, relationship, family, and so.
I trough feel bad and pity. people have achieve this, that. But i feel like i am not going anywhere.
Stuck in reverse as Coldplay say.
Turn out i also feel miserable when my younger brother asked our parents to fiance to be. Even not married yet. But it keeps me fell down inside. I straight compare what i had achieved in my life,
What did i do, i keep going pretend to be happy as if nothing happen.
People don't know how i thorough this. When tears stream at night when people had fell asleep peacefully.
And i don't have someone to talk about.
I feel lonely, I don't have anything. I don't know where i should go and moan.
However, i have thing that i wanna do, but it's going to be hazy.
I feel lost. No one to go. Nobody care. I surrounded by negative sounds that i am fool and pity.
Although i am knowing, that moan will not make me feel better but i still to do it.
Once my friend said, if i need him, just contact him, and talking to him.
But, i don't have brave to do it. I had embarrassed my self to something incompetent to him.
Since i said i like him, and i want him.
He is very generous, kind, and mature. His wisdom makes me want him so desperately. i cried in our last call because i miss him, and then he said, 'i don't want make you sad, just happy who you are'.
I know, we lived so afar from each other. And his plan to visit Indonesia was not easy. It needs lot of money and right time. I had waiting for it long time, but i already ruin everything between us.
I don't want to lost him, but if must, just lost without make me lament for it.
Luis, if i talking about my sadness and life with you, what will you say? every time i did it, you dig me until i find my self way and i blessed to have you in my side.
You said i special? You too. You more than special for me and i want you.
But i am afraid, i do mistake again and again. I am afraid i can't control my self, my feelings. And also i feel there is invisible barrier between us. You deserve to have someone better than me.
ANd until then, i hope you always happy and blessed.
Now, i don't have anyone. But i have myself, and ofc i have God.
Look how much i had written it? I want to be better than my self yesterday.
Sometimes i need to cry, i need to complain, but it is ok. I am a human being.
I can't control everything, but i can control myself and my mind..
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